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Dear Sweet Jimma....precious Angel Mine!
How can it be? Yesterday, I held you in my arms....just yesterday... and today the calendar reads September 19, 2011. Can it be that two years have passed? An eternity of missing you.....and still just a moment ago I held you in my arms....
You are such a wonderous gift to me! From the time I sat by your mother's side, pleading for the life of my unborn grandchild....to the time when, at the age of two, Jesus warned me of the impending tragedy which sent me to my knees...again....pleading for the life of the precious little girl that I had come to know.You had already gone through soo much! ...already faced death and overcome.....but now you were two years old. Those wonderful, God-given doctors that we were blessed to have watching over you warned me....time and time again.....that your life expectancy was short....that I should be careful to prepare myself....for you surely would not be with us for very long. Children with your condition just didn't live long, the kind and compassionate doctors would tell me...with concern clearly showing in the sad countenance.
This was the day I walked out to the garden to pick okra. And as my toes touched the edge of the overturned earth, a gentle voice.....one I was so familiar with....warned me to pray...and I could feel that sickening stench of death hovering closeby.....
I asked, 'Who, Lord?'....with great concern....and that gentle voice spoke 'Jimma'. I heard your name so clearly....as if spoken by a friend standing by my side. I fell to my knees and began to plead....'O, Lord....NO.....please don't take my baby....please stop the hand of death.....again....o, Jesus....she has soo much to offer.....she's such a shining light'.......
I went on to explain how much we, as a family, needed her. At first, I was adamant that she would not die. I just could not submit.....I would not submit! 'Seven is perfection', I stubbornly reminded my God....
I don't know just how long I was on my knees in that garden....between the rows of okra.....but I remember clearly the weakness in my trembling legs as I struggled to pull myself up off the cold, hard ground which refused to offer comfort. My spirit held a gentle guietness as I humbled myself and said, 'Nevertheless....not my will....but Thine be done, My Lord'.. Heaviness seemed to want to cling to my aching heart....
Then Saturday came around.....I noticed you were acting strange. I had not seen you like this before. As long as I held you close to my bosom, you rested quietly....hands fisted tightly to my clothing. And if I attempted to pull you away, your tiny body would tremble ever so slightly....and a look unlike any I had seen before....crossed your face.
So Daddy watched the other children....playing with them.....tending to their needs. You see....this was Saturday....the day we got you all together to play and have fun...
About three o'clock Daddy brought everyone in to eat....I asked him, 'Wanna hold her for a minute....love on your sweet girl and rest?....I'll feed the kids and give you a break'. At first he was hesitant....he looked into your face and recognized you weren't quite yourself. But he found a seat and held out his arms....those strong arms that were always ready to play .. cuddle .. comfort .. and love his little one. I saw the smile on his face as I walked away....glad for a chance to just be with you.
He had already put the food on....and I just needed to check on it and take a potty break. I left you for only a few minutes when I heard a startling cry, 'Jesus!! Jesus!!'
I ran back to your side.....and there Daddy was.....praying.....the thing he knew best.....But his voice had a tone I hadn't heard from him before....was it desperation??...was it fear?? He prayed earnestly for you as your face was twitching...and your body twisted...as the seizure tried to steal life from you...
Of course Mommy (although I didn't yet know that was my title) wanted to grab you...that was my first instinct. But Daddy held on until his prayer was done.
Then I took you outside.....held you to my bosom....and ... again .... began to plead...not knowing at the time the agony you were suffering. But, Jimma, prayers changes things....and Jesus reminded me of the 'garden'.....
I brought you inside....and when I would try to lay you on my lap, the aweful contortions in you body would resume....until....finally, it seemed like such a very long time....I was able to undress you....gently....tenderly....for you trusted me baby (and that trust caused me to fight for you..and press even more...to give you all I could)...and to trust for all I couldn't give you.....
Your body was sooo hot! I took you temp and it was over 103 (your normal core temp was just 97 degrees....so that was extremely high for you) ....and I just had to get you undressed and cool you down! Praying...praying....praying....that's the only way I knew how to take care of you, my precious baby girl ...was through prayer...
Your arms and legs were soo white...as though there was no blood flowing through them. And your tiny trunk was very red and mottled..... We knew we had to get you to the hospital!! We called and were told to get you there asap....They were ready and waiting for you when we arrived....
You had a grand mal seizure, they said. The nurses were standing around me as I hovered over you....stroking your face....holding your tiny hands....praying....when your eyes began to rotate each independant of the other....your face starting to twitch the way it had at home....the seizures just didn't seem to want to stop.
I asked them...how can I help her??....please tell me .. what can we do??? And I was told that there wasn't anything medically that could be done...that when a person was in the midst of a seizure, the only thing to do was to make sure they were safe...and didn't hurt themselves....until it was .. over....
But .. I remembered!! .. Prayer does make a difference....prayer can turn the impossible into reality!! prayer changes things.........so I bent down.....whispered into the ear of my precious little girl who trusted me....and did just what I felt our Lord was directing me to do...
Baby...I can still smell the sweet fragrance of your hair as the curls tickled my nose...and feel the softness of your ear against my lips as I whispered those words you knew so well..."Jimma, you know the voice of your God. Be careful not to follow the voice of a stranger, honey. Remember...."MY SHEEP KNOW MY VOICE AND A STRANGER THEY WILL NOW FOLLOW"..... Jimma....listen to me, sweetie....follow only Jesus.....
The nurses began to marvel as your eyes regained their shine....your body relaxed....and you recognized me again.....you began to look around you....and you even smiled.......I heard them say amongst themselves...and then to me..'that just does not happen'......'I've never seen nor heard of this before'.....
Jimma spent some time in the hospital. They did tests on her brain....her neurologist said she had futher damage in the area of her brain that was effected when epilepsy was involved. I later called her metabolic doctor at Duke University, who was always so willing to answer my every question and help in every way.... and he told me that it would mean that the severity of her problems would be much greater....and that this was one of the symptoms associated with 3 Methylglutaconic Aciduria type IV.
BUT......although my Jimma did contract other illnesses while in the hospital....and was sent to Winston Salem for tests.....she didn't continue to have these episodes. She was alway 'prone' to seizures....had different types....but never again did she suffer one with such severity...
Also.....I must tell you.....that it was at this time that my heart was turned from the heart of a grandmother, tending to the needs of her precious grand daughter....to that of a Mommy's heart! Jimma always refused to call me anything but 'Mama'. She knew before I did, it seems....that Jesus had spared her life for...me. He gave me a fourth daughter!!.....who was also my seven grandchild...
And that little girl taught me so very much! She was an instrument in God's Hand. She served Him with such unrelenting devotion....and love! O' the love that fragile little girl so effortlessly gave to us all! I believe that's the closest I'll ever come to knowing pure love while on this earth. I am so blessed to have tasted such pure and undefiled love.....so very grateful I am to have been honored with the position of her care-giver....
And oooo how I miss her! I cherish the memories....but, in my selfishness....I want to hold her again.....and hear her laughter.....and taste her kisses. I long to once again look on, as she and her Daddy said their night prayers....I would marvel as her little hands went up to her Maker....agreeing with a nodding of her head and a smile on her face! only then could she be satisified to lie beside Mommy .. and sing .. or play just a little longer .. or remember the day's events ..
Until...when she couldn't resist her sleepy eyes any longer, she would pull her head close to my bosom....snuggling as close as possible.....and....nite-nite.....
As hard as it is to be without her.....as much as my heart aches with the emptiness of the place that can only be hers.....as much as my arms ache to feel the weight of her again.....and the endless flow of tears wash my grieving soul.....as much as the pain envelopes me, knowing I'll never see her again in this life~~~~I would not change a thing!!! For it is truly better to have known the love of my angel and now endure the pain of loss, than to never have known her at all and be oblivious to this agony...
The peace I find is only in God's Word.....the hope of 'seeing' her again....when...at last.....I, too, go Home......
